I feel angry.
I feel powerless.
I want justice.
I feel hopeless.
I feel tired of fighting against constant health problems.
I feel dread for the things that may come, that are not in my control.
Angry. That humans would manufacture a disease that harms other humans. Why? Why can't we all just love each other and help each other? Why does this even have to be something I am dealing with?
Angry. That fresh air is polluted by bug spraying trucks and chemtrails, and that I have to choose between moldy indoor air or freshly-sprayed toxic outdoor air this evening. Angry that sleeping outside, which is supposed to be healing, could be contributing to my ill health because of these things.
Angry. Because it sucks to know that there is a genetically engineered disease inside my body, complete with nasty black non-human wires, that got there without my consent. I feel so violated. I am crying because I am so angry about this.
Angry. Because it's one thing to receive disease consequences from poor life choices, like bingeing on crap foods for fifteen years during my eating disorder. But it's quite another thing to be the recipient of a horrible disease for no reason other than that someone else designed a crappy disease to pass out to other humans. That sucks.
Angry. Because I want a happy life. And instead I am still fighting disease and "making do". It's not fair. I know, life isn't fair....but still, it's not fair. It sucks. And I am envious of the people who are healthy and having fun being health superstars...proclaiming the benefits of a fruit-based diet. And I am on a fruit-based diet, in the pit of hell. Well, maybe not all that bad, but sometimes it feels like it.
Angry. Because ill health affects everything. And I am doing so much to get healthy. And now, learning that it's not just my body taking time to heal, but it is someone's horribly unjust actions toward me, counteracting my efforts...that ticks me off.
Angry. At the people who did this to me. Because they have no reason to hate me and do something to destroy my life. Because I work so hard to love all those around me, even those I'm not particularly fond of. And with the people doing this outrageous thing....it doesn't even matter. I am just one more person to eliminate. That sucks.
Angry. Because I can't control what is dropped in chemtrails or sprayed into our night air and I am breathing in. If I want to live, I breathe the air...as awful as it is for me. And my body will receive the consequences of me breathing. It's just not fair and not right.
Angry. Because I have enough to deal with...mold illness, multiple chemical sensitivity, brain trauma, lyme disease, type 1 diabetes, epilepsy, parasites/worms. I don't need to tack on man-made suicide disease. I've got plenty on my plate already.
Dread. I don't know what the future holds. Will I be able to eliminate these organisms? I don't know. Do I need to up my game even more? Or is what I am currently doing going to fix the problem?
And then I just breathed the night air and my chest got so tight. I'm afraid that I am breathing in more Morgellons. But what can I do? Living in fear destroys my health too (as I recently learned).
I read the conspiracy theory stuff and what? What do I have to look forward to? Is it going to get as bad as what I read? Probably. I just don't want that to happen. I want life to get better, not worse. Will the rest of my life be as horrible as the past 11 months, or worse? I was already suffering from suicidal depression...
I guess I am afraid too. Afraid of having to continue to suffer. Afraid of how uncomfortable it is to be constantly in a place of things not going my way, and the possibility that this may continue on for the rest of my life. Afraid that I will never get to live the happy carefree raw vegan life I have dreamed about for years.
God, please remove my fears, my selfish obsession with things going "my way", and my resentments. Please direct my attention to what You would have me be and do.
Peace. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
Compassion. Pray for those who are responsible. Hurt people hurt people. "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34 (What?! Seriously, they've got to know.) But their hearts are empty, and they don't know how to fill the emptiness. And they make hurtful decisions as they search for fulfillment.
Trust. As in the Biblical story of Joseph, where God took what others meant for evil, and used it for good. As in the Biblical story of Job, where whatever tragedy was allowed to come Job's way, it was all first filtered through the hand of God. No harm was allowed to come to Job except what God gave permission to do.
...Meaning, God is in control. Though I may fear the unrestrained evil building momentum in this world, that evil does not have the final authority. God has the final say. And He, in His perfect goodness, will not allow any more to come my way than I can handle with Him by my side. I've certainly seen evidence of that over the last eleven months.
Contentment. We won't get what we want in this world. But guess what? It only intensifies my longing for something greater...Heaven. God's Way. Real Love. Compassion. Caring.
It grows in my empathy for others who are suffering. It gives me a heart that aches for others, and cares more for them because I understand pain and I feel in a deep way the longing for tender, intimate relationship with others who love me. My relationships are deeper, my time is better spent on what truly matters: the people in my life.
"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." 1 Corinthians 4:11-13
Follow. God has shown me what it's like to follow step by step, in despairing times, asking what the heck to do, listening, and being given nudges and direction, comfort, and provision. He will continue to do so.
"I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever, He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies Is always by my side
And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in your hands
I'm holding on to your promises
You are faithful, You are faithful"
(from God of Angel Armies, by Chris Tomlin)