Moving into our new safe RV on our safe lot with pickup truck & topper as my backup place for fresh air or parking at the beach.
Friends celebrating that life will get easier for me now.
There is mold in the front and back of the pickup truck that I am too tired to clean out.
The outside air burns my throat two days in succession.
The RV air is better, but it burns my throat too, from offgassing. And I am getting headaches. I'm too tired to drive to the beach for better air.
I learn of all the things I need to do to prevent a mold problem in the RV, and that I could potentially already have a problem that I need to do something about. I'm too tired to deal with this. My stress level is building.
I learn of a potential reason for my symptoms, and get overwhelmed with all the complicated factors and new information. My brain is too wiped out to process it all.
I spend a day trying to figure out where I will get food that will work for all my health complications. I am excited to find some that will arrive in 2 days! My friends celebrate with me.
My throat is burning. I've got to clear some chemicals out of here. We need an air purifier. The kind that helps people like me, we can't afford.
We already are wondering how we will pay this month's bills.
I stay up way too late, using energy I don't have, to take down all the pretty valances from the RV windows that are irritating my throat.
In the morning, I begin an experiment to see if it will help my symptoms. My first day is a miserable failure, and I have intense tummy pain that also makes me so weak all I can do is...nothing.
And then there is beauty. I saw dolphins playing. I watched my first amazing thunderstorm from the comfort of our new RV.
And then...I found the window leak. The water all over the wall and floor. And then another one. And another one. And another one. In our new RV. And leaks are why mold starts.
It's just too much.
I can't handle one more thing.
I'm tired of things going wrong.
I just want life to get better.
I just want to feel better.
I want to enjoy the awesome life the other fruitarians rave about.
So I cry. And cry. And listen to music. And cry. And pray.
And then I write. And slowly, the tears dry up. My heart is lifted.
I am loved. I can breathe. And trust.
My heart wanted to stop beating long ago with the first hard hit.
How did I keep walking?
Take a breath, one foot in front of the other, do the next thing to make progress forward.
But then the tears come.
I remember, I ache, I long for things to just stop going wrong.
What is the purpose? Surely there is a purpose.
Surely good is happening even now.
Through the suffering, I trust the One who holds my heart.
I look to Him and beg for the end. End the suffering. Or end my life.
Either one will be better.
Sometimes I ignore the ache.
I do something fun, I do something purposeful.
But sometimes, my soul is ready to mourn.
And I ache. I ache for the loss.
I yearn for ease and comfort.
I want life to be easy.
And it just doesn’t stop being hard.
The hits just keep coming.
What can fix my heart?
When you weep with me, I don’t have to cry as much.
You help share the tears.
I think back to the days when I didn’t have to worry about anything.
But I was dead. My life was meaningless.
There was no point in giving me trials.
I would have ignored them and binged myself into oblivion.
But today I am awake. I am alive.
And when I suffer, something happens in me.
I feel your hurt. My aching heart relates to your pain.
I want to wrap my arms around you and make the hurt stop.
And my pain, though it feels continuous, isn’t.
The attacks may keep coming, but in between them I feel ecstasy.
I appreciate the gifts, the blessings, so much more.
God shows me the beauty He is growing in me through the hard times.
I prayed to be refined. I prayed to draw close to God.
I prayed for my life to be a light, that people would see God through this broken vessel.
And God is answering those prayers.
He is faithful.
When it’s easy, anyone can do it.
It is a privilege to suffer.
It means God counts me faithful in the little things.
It means He is entrusting me with a bigger hard thing.
And He believes that I can be victorious in this, as I draw strength from Him.
If God has that confidence, I can have it too.
I don’t trust myself to get through this.
I want to die. I know that would be easier than this hard road.
But God isn’t ready to take me yet.
And that means He’s got a plan.
Even for this.
Even for this weak, broken-down heart.
He is making it strong.
But not on its own.
As it draws near to the heart of its Creator.
As it draws sustenance from the Source of Life.
There is a break in the clouds.
The storm is letting up for a bit.
I will look for the rainbow.
I will look for the sunset.
I will look for compassion.
And I will look for what I can give.
“In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart, I have overcome the world.”
- my best friend (Jesus)